Dharma Topic: From Self-Hate to Loving Kindness

Our Thursday evening gathering this week will begin with an Orientation for Newcomers and others at 6:30. Our meditation period will be from 7 to 8, and our program will look at self-hate and self-compassion.

Recently I’ve had many occasions to think about and talk with to others about peace. A core tenet of our practice is us that if we want peace in our relationships, our families, and in the world, we have to cultivate peace in ourselves, daily, moment by moment.

This thread led me to thinking about the people I know who seem to not be at peace with themselves. Their inner dialogues are full of criticism and self-hate.

Thich Nhat Hanh teaches self-acceptance, and often talks about it in terms of not doing violence to ourselves. For example, in Creating True Peace he writes:

Being aware of our jealousy, judgments, and fear is already a positive step toward acceptance. When we accept ourselves as we are, we do not any longer need to fight to change ourselves. The moment we become aware that we are being too critical of ourselves and accept our negative seeds, we are already making progress. . . .

The practice is easy: just become aware of our negative energies, and in just cultivating this awareness, we will make steady steps on the path. Conflict is not necessary.

It is a great quote, but I was looking for something more directly focused on the dynamics of self-hate. So I turned to Zen teacher Cheri Huber and her book There is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate. (To intimately know self-hate, I think it helps to be an American.)

Huber's book opens with an epigraph which sums up her main teaching:

You’ve been taught
That there is something wrong with you
And that you are imperfect,
But there isn’t
And you’re not.

According to Huber, the way out of believing there is something wrong with you is to not listen to anything other than loving speech:

Any time a voice is talking to you that is not talking with love and compassion, DON’T BELIEVE IT!

Even it it’s talking about someone else, don’t believe it. Even if it is directed at someone else, it is the voice of your self-hate. It is simply hating you though an external object. It can hate you directly by telling you what a lousy, rotten person you are, and it can hate you indirectly by pointing out what’s wrong out there.

If the voice is not loving,
don’t listen to it,
don’t follow it,
don’t believe it.

NO EXCEPTIONS!

Huber’s discussion moves from the gross forms of self hate to the more subtle ones. The one that really hit home for me was about making myself (and making others) into a project. Fixing, correcting, making better, was something I was raised with, I learned in school, I did as my work for years. “Here, let me fix that,” often oozes up, uninvited.

As a spiritual practice, accepting, ending the internal war, is our priority. Huber pithily sums up the difference:

I am not here to become an acceptable person.

I am here to accept the person I am.

Huber also notes that, ironically, when we learn to fully embrace ourselves, dramatic changes begin to occur.

You are invited to join us this Thursday. Our discussion will explore three questions: In what ways do you know self-hate? In what ways do you know acceptance and loving-kindness? How does our practice help us move from self-hate to loving-kindness?

If you will be coming to the Orientation, it is helpful, but not necessary, to let us know ahead of time by emailing us at info@stillwatermpc.org.