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Dear Still Water Friends,

This Thursday evening, after our sitting meditation, we will recite together the five mindfulness trainings and focus our discussion on the third trainings, which begins:

Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful sexual behavior, I am committed to cultivating sexual responsibility and respect in myself and in others.

As I reflect on this trainings, I am aware of how my attitudes have evolved over the decades. When I was young, “sexual responsibility” seemed to be another way of saying “don’t have fun.” I saw sexual responsibility, or any other type of responsibility, as an effort by authority figures to control me, to force me into a soul-destroying, circumscribed, fearful life. Freedom, liberation, meant breaking loose from mental straight-jackets, freeing oneself from structures of domination. I still believe, there was (and is) some truth in this perspective. “Proper behavior” can be used as a self-serving mechanism of control by those in power.

But I believe these is another truth, as well. Many of us who were "anti-responsibility" in our youth years later began talking about treating the planet with responsibility and respect. We encouraged others to study what the planet needed, and to learn ways to nourish and heal the planet, rather than to insult it and harm it. We understood that a healthy planet could create the conditions for deep joy and happiness, and a sick planet could create much suffering.

I believe it is this second type of responsibility that the third mindfulness training is pointing us toward, a responsbility that is self-directed and creative, rather than imposed and reactive.

We will begin our discussion this Thursday with the question of what sexual responsibility and respect means to us, and whether responsibility and respect is incompatible with fun?

You are invited to join us. A related reading from Thay is below.

Warm wishes,

Mitchell Ratner
Senior Teacher

Thich Nhat Hanh, from  For a Future to Be Possible:

"Responsibility" is the key word in the Third Precept. In a community of practice, if there is no sexual misconduct, if the community practices this precept well, there will be stability and peace. This precept should be practiced by everyone. You respect, support, and protect each other as Dharma brothers and sisters. If you don't practice this precept, you may become irresponsible and create trouble in the community and in the community at large. We have all seen this. If a teacher cannot refrain from sleeping with one of his or her students, he or she will destroy everything, possibly for several generations. We need mindfulness in order to have that sense of responsibility. We refrain from sexual misconduct because we are responsible for the well-being of so many people. If we are irresponsible, we can destroy everything. By practicing this precept, we keep the Sangha beautiful.

In sexual relationships, people can get wounded. Practicing this precept is to prevent ourselves and others from being wounded. Often we think it is the woman who receives the wounds, but men also get deeply wounded. We have to be very careful, especially in short-term commitments. The practice of the Third Precept is a very strong way of restoring stability and  peace in ourselves, our family, and our society. We should take time to discuss problems relating to the practice of this precept, like loneliness, advertising, even the sex industry.

The feeling of loneliness is universal in our society. There is no communication between ourselves and other people, even in the family, and our feeling of loneliness pushes us into having sexual relationships. We believe in a naive way that having a sexual relationship will make us feel less lonely, but it isn't true. When there is not enough communication with another person on the level of the heart and spirit, a sexual relationship will only widen the gap and destroy us both. Our relationship will be stormy, and we will make each other suffer. The belief that having a sexual relationship will help us feel less lonely is a kind of superstition. We should not be fooled by it. In fact, we will feel more lonely afterwards.

The union of the two bodies can only be positive when there is understanding and communion on the level of the heart and the spirit. Even between husband and wife, if the communion on the level of heart and spirit does not exist, the coming together of the two bodies will only separate you further.